Common Gray Divorce Regrets & How To Avoid Them

The term “gray divorce” refers to the rising trend of couples over the age of 50 dissolving their long-term marriages. Late-in-life divorces are increasingly prevalent due to a confluence of factors.

Greater life expectancy allows individuals to re-evaluate their happiness later in life, while societal shifts regarding gender roles and economic independence for women empower them to pursue separate paths. Also, once adult children are grown up and more independent, some couples no longer feel the same pressures to stay together.

Gray divorce presents distinct challenges compared to divorces at a younger age. Dividing assets accumulated over decades, navigating potential changes to retirement plans, and adjusting to a new social landscape are just some of the considerations for divorcing later in life.

This blog delves into a crucial aspect of gray divorce: the regrets that can arise from overlooking key factors during the divorce process. We will explore these regrets and offer guidance to help navigate a gray divorce with a more informed and future-oriented approach.

Gray Divorce Regrets

Not Considering Potential Financial Strains

Anyone getting divorced, regardless of age, should consider the financial aspects of divorce, like asset division, alimony, legal fees, and the loss of dual incomes, so they can better prepare for life post-divorce. However, those involved in a gray divorce should be particularly mindful of the loss of dual income and the cost of valuations and experts.

Why? Divorce often leads to a significant reduction in household income. With the loss of two incomes or one spouse’s income in a gray divorce, both parties must consider how they will move forward after a divorce.

If one spouse hasn't been working outside the home, or both are nearing retirement, the loss of a dual income can be financially crippling. This can necessitate major lifestyle adjustments, including downsizing living arrangements or delaying retirement plans.

Research has found that following a gray divorce:

• Men will (on average) experience a 21% decline in their standard of living.
• Women will experience a 45% decline in their standard of living.

Also, many couples in long-term marriages accumulate substantial wealth, including a marital home, retirement accounts, and investments. Dividing these assets fairly often necessitates appraisals, valuations, and, potentially, the involvement of financial experts.

These professional services can be quite costly, especially for complex asset portfolios. Couples embarking on a divorce might not anticipate the sheer volume of expenses associated with untangling their financial lives.

The division of assets can also include the division of pension plans and retirement assets, which can mean you need to rebuild your retirement plan following divorce. Another common gray divorce regret occurs when people fail to consider or plan for the loss of retirement resources.

Not Considering Your Adult Children

Another under-considered aspect of gray divorce is the potential impact on adult children. While grown children may appear to be independent, the dissolution of a long-standing marriage can be emotionally disruptive. Adult children may experience a sense of grief over the loss of the family unit they knew or anxiety about their own future relationships.

Also, changes in the family dynamics can arise, particularly if parents struggle to maintain amicable communication post-divorce. This can place adult children in the uncomfortable position of navigating conflict between their parents or feeling pressure to choose sides.

To avoid this gray divorce regret, you should communicate with your adult children. Be honest about what changes the divorce may bring early on in the process rather than later. While you should prioritize being transparent, you should also try to establish communication boundaries that protect your children from feeling like they are in the middle or have to carry your emotions concerning the divorce.

On the legal side of things, adult children may have a lot more responsibility following your divorce. With potential reductions in income due to the division of assets and the loss of a dual income, adult children in their 20s or 30s who may still be establishing themselves financially may find themselves with less parental support than anticipated. This can lead to increased stress and strain on their own finances.

The complexities arising from a gray divorce can necessitate a reevaluation of healthcare directives and long-term care plans. Previously, these plans may have revolved around a couple navigating healthcare decisions and long-term care needs together. Following a divorce, adult children may be thrust into a more central role in these discussions and decisions.

Your change in financial circumstances can also impact your child’s future. For example, let’s say your child is heading to college and wants to attend an out-of-state, private university. If you are paying alimony, have lost a significant portion of your retirement assets, and have a high-paying job, you may have to ask that they attend an in-state public university, as you need to get your retirement assets back on track.

Being Unprepared for Social Implications

While the decision to divorce later in life (gray divorce) is often a well-considered one, a significant source of regret for many can be the underestimation of the social implications. Years, even decades, spent building a life with a partner foster a deep sense of companionship and a shared social circle. When that partnership dissolves, navigating the emotional and social terrain of the single life after a long marriage can be unexpectedly challenging.

One of the most significant hurdles is adjusting to losing a built-in confidant and partner. For many couples, their spouse is their primary source of emotional support and daily interaction. Facing a life without that constant presence can be emotionally jarring. The ability to confide in someone who intimately understands your history and perspective can be deeply missed. This loss of a trusted confidante can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The absence of deep emotional connection doesn't negate the impact of losing a partner in a long-term relationship. Even couples who don't frequently confide in each other can experience a profound sense of loss. A spouse's familiar presence, shared routines, and unspoken understanding that comes with years of cohabitation can provide a sense of comfort and security. When this presence disappears, it can leave a significant void.

Social circles, too, can shrink with age and following a divorce. Long-standing friendships may have revolved around couples' activities, and navigating those relationships as a single person can be awkward. As the energy and motivation to build new social connections can wane as we get older, gray divorce can exacerbate this isolation, leaving individuals with a smaller support network at a time when they may need it most.

The emotional impact of loneliness, particularly for older adults, should not be underestimated. Studies have linked social isolation to a higher risk of depression, cognitive decline, and even physical health problems. The sense of disconnection and lack of belonging can be deeply demoralizing.

Fortunately, there are steps individuals going through a gray divorce can take to mitigate these challenges. Open communication with therapists and counselors can provide valuable guidance in navigating the emotional complexities of divorce and rebuilding a sense of self. Also, actively seeking out new social connections through clubs, volunteer work, or online communities can help combat isolation.

Not Considering Your Healthcare & Insurance

Many long-term marriages rely on one spouse's employer-sponsored health insurance plan to cover the entire family. When divorce separates this shared coverage, the previously non-covered spouse can face a complex and potentially expensive situation.

Losing employer-sponsored health insurance can be a significant blow. COBRA continuation coverage is an option but is often temporary and comes at a high premium. This can lead to a period of vulnerability where the individual is uninsured or underinsured, putting them at financial risk in case of a medical emergency.

For some, the assumption might be that Medicare will seamlessly take over after age 65. However, Medicare doesn't cover all expenses, and supplemental insurance is often necessary.

To avoid having healthcare and insurance-related gray divorce regrets, you should explore your post-divorce health insurance options. You can also speak with your attorney during your divorce to discuss how your loss of coverage can be an added negotiation point for your settlement.

Consult a Qualified Attorney

Getting divorced later in life involves additional complexities that should be discussed with an attorney to protect your best interests. McKinley Irvin attorneys are equipped to help you understand the laws and legal nuances affecting your case and the potential short and long-term consequences of making certain decisions in a gray divorce. Contact our client care team to find an attorney well-suited to your case.